The Bench

The 10 Types of Outrageously Annoying American World Cup "Fans"

Jun 02 4:48pm



1. The person who corrects you every time you call it soccer.


This guy is cultured because he refuses to conform and call it soccer. Listen pal, everyone knows what it’s called in other countries, and that there’s not a lot of foot use in our version of football. Just because you’re wearing a scarf, and calling the field “the pitch”, doesn’t mean you get to talk down to me because I grew up somewhere that named a couple of their sports a little backwards.


2- The person who acts like they were born and raised in the country that their grandparents are from.

International: Springboks v Italy

365 days a year, this person is usually from New York. When World Cup Soccer arrives though, they are now native Italians, Brazilians, Portuguese, you name it. Facebook statuses about the World Cup are all of a sudden in different languages, they now want to hear their great grandparents’ harrowing immigration stories, and they start acting like they’re foreign exchange students that happen to be in America while their home country is playing in the World Cup. One month later, they go back to having little to no interest in their nationality, and consider themselves American.


3. The person who doesn’t understand offside.


Offside isn’t always easy to grasp in soccer. There are invisible lines involved, and it’s tough to catch sometimes if you’re used to hockey or football’s renditions of offside. To be honest, this guy isn’t that annoying, unless he doesn’t understand the offside rule but still tries to play soccer ref from his living room. “THAT WAS OFFSIDE, THESE REFS ARE HORRIBLE…(silence)…THAT WAS OFFSIDE RIGHT?”.


4. The FOMO person.


This person watches World Cup Soccer strictly because it’s a reason to party, and so that they have something to talk about at work. Inevitably, they are outed as pseudo-fans when they talk about how many “points” were scored, and refer to teams by their jersey color.


5. The person who buys a soccer ball and embraces soccer culture for one month every four years.


This person is out practicing bicycle kicks on their lawn and doing dribbling drills because they’re “into” soccer now. Then, after the World Cup fever wears off, the ball and cones collect dust with their soccer balls from World Cups past, and their skateboard from that time they got excited about the X-Games.


6. The person who yells GOOOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLL during all soccer conversations.


You’re in the same category as the guy that says stuff like “They call me butter, cause I’m on a roll” and “That’s my name, don’t wear it out”. You are terrible year round, but this is how you’re terrible during the World Cup


7. The person who only watches soccer on Univision, because “the announcers make the games more exciting”.


Let’s be honest, if you enjoy soccer, it won’t matter what the announcers sound like. I understand that Alexi Lalas is about as interesting to listen to as the programming on C-SPAN, but don’t pretend that spanish announcing enhances the game because of the yelling. If your friends yelled for an entire game, eventually you would find it annoying.


8. The person who bought, and uses a vuvuzela.

USA vuvuzela

It’s a person blowing a giant horn in their home or at a bar, while watching soccer on TV. This one is self explanatory.


9. The person who thinks Landon Donovan is the only good player in all of soccer.


To this person, Landon Donovan is the sun, moon, and stars of the soccer solar system. This is mainly because they don’t know many players aside from Landon Donovan. Also, it’s impressive that he held his own against superior international competition. They usually try to pepper his name into conversations about the best players in the world, and if you’re talking about the MLS, he’s got God status. No one will ever be better.


10. The U-S-A chant person


What was once a fun battle cry and a Hacksaw Jim Duggan staple has now become a reason to hate watching soccer. The World Cup is the Super Bowl for people who love to chant, and if you don’t have a clue what you’re watching on the screen, throwing a well placed USA! USA! USA! out there may allow you to blend in with the crowd. In reality though, people will chant USA at almost anything these days. Therefore, what once made you stand out as a nationalist and a sports fan, now makes you look like the guy that is most likely just super duper drunk.

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