11 New Mascot Ideas for the Washington Redskins and Cleveland Indians

May 9 6:26pm
Brandon Cohen

One of the ongoing debates in sports these days is in regard to the inherent offensiveness of naming your team the Washington Redskins or the Cleveland Indians. If you’re one of those people who still isn’t sure whether those names are offensive, google “American History.”

But at the same time, has anyone thought about the fact that coming up with a cool and original mascot is like super hard? Maybe it’s not that Dan Snyder or Larry Dolan don’t agree with the public’s condemnation of their tactless team name, but they simply can’t think of a suitable replacement! This is where I come in.

At no charge to them, I’ve decided to lay out some awesome replacement mascots for both teams to consider. If they select any of these, I ask for literally nothing in return, other than 2% of all merchandising profits and a first crack at writing any TV show or movie related to the characters I’ve created. If any of these jump out at you, please help me start a movement to get the management in Washington and/or Cleveland to notice. Thank you in advance.

Mascot #1

THE VAMPIRES - Vampires are very “in” among tweens. Washington could jump in on this fad and take advantage of the built-in audience. Lots of merchandising potential here.

Potential Backlash

Anyone who has lost a family member or friend to a vampire will obviously not be happy about the team’s lighthearted treatment of these deadly creatures.

Will Be Known For

Vampire Vision! The jumbotron will go into Vampire Vision in which fans in the stands are depicted with blood spattered all over their necks. Fun for the kids.

 

Twilight-006

People really do love Vampires.   

Mascot #2

TOAST -

While Indians and Redskins could be misconstrued as offensive, nobody in their right mind finds anything offensive about toast. It’s just toast!

Potential Backlash

The gluten free community might riot.

Will Be Known For

Toast Toss! Cheerleaders would throw toast into the stands!

 

Mascot #3

SEAL TEAM 6-  Native Americans really scream America, but you know what else screams America? Yup, the guys who bitch slapped Osama Bin Laden! We probably won’t be able to get the real SEAL Team 6, but we could just pay a bunch of dudes to dress up like SEALs and prance around with fake guns.

Potential Backlash

Hatred from family members of Osama Bin Laden’s family members and any terrorists living in the United States is sure to be a problem.

Will Be Known For

A Bin Laden impersonator would emerge on the field once a game, and SEAL Team 6 would take him down. It would turn into a fun back and forth like the one between a windshield and a bug.

 

Mascot #4

THE DAN RATHERS – Dan Rather is one of America’s most trusted names in news. He’s inoffensive, reliable and lovable. He’s everyone’s no nonsense grandpa. He could effectively bring his credibility to the new team, and be an instant fan favorite.

Potential Backlash

Walter Cronkite was reportedly not happy when Rather took over for him as the anchor of CBS Nightly News. While no longer with us, supporters of Cronkite might take umbrage with the Washington Dan Rathers.

Will Be Known For

During halftime of games, the Dan Rather lookalike mascot would come out and read a news brief about why they’re going to kick the other team’s butt.

 

Mascot #5

THE TAXI DRIVERS – You want your team name to represent toughness. That’s why you don’t see any team named The Feathers or The Andy Dicks. Taxi Drivers are tough as nails. They put their life in danger every time they pick up a stranger, and if anyone ever tries to start trouble or skip out on the fare, they’re not shy to fight back. That’s a mascot you can get behind!

Potential Backlash

Lot of opportunities for racism here. Be cool.

Will Be Known For

The Great Taxi Driver Race. Once a game, the Taxi Driver would race a fan in a little car, driving erratically and yelling insults to passers-by.

 

Mascot #6

BACON - Everybody loves bacon! So much so, it is has become super annoying! Like, we get it, you like bacon, shut up.

Potential Backlash

PETA is not gonna like this one, not one bit.

Will Be Known For

They could get cute little piglets to do a race on the field! And then whichever pig loses is immediately slaughtered for bacon purposes.

 

Made20bacon

 

Mascot #7

SEXY CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS – I understand why Washington wanted to go the Native American route, as it feels distinctly American. Christopher Columbus is also super American, but he isn’t bitter about it! We even have a day celebrating his discovery of this great land. Let’s give him his due! And make him dressy slutty because why not?!

Potential Backlash

You know how Native Americans are pissed about getting their land stolen and their people killed? Christopher Columbus has come under fire for kinda doing all that, so maybe he doesn’t exactly solve Washington’s problem.

Will Be Known For

Christopher could lead everyone in God Bless America at one point during the game. It’ll be so American that Sarah Palin’s head will explode.

 

Mascot #8

THE APPROACHABLE TEACHERS – People want a mascot they can relate to. A mascot that “gets” them. We’ve all had that one approachable teacher who made a difference in our lives growing up. An Approachable Teacher mascot is a character that will tug at fans’ heartstrings.

Potential Backlash

Home school kids might feel left out.

Will Be Known For

The Approachable Teacher could do a thing where he gives the team a pep talk prior to the game, saying that they haven’t fully realized their potential and need to buckle down more, but they’ll do it in a way that makes the team feel inspired, not discouraged.

 

Mascot #9

THE UNEDUCATED FAT SLOB WHITE GUYS - It would be cool to show the Native American community that white people have a sense of humor about themselves, so that it doesn’t all feel one-sided. By having a mascot that’s an Uneducated Fat Slob White Guy, not only do you have a mascot that speaks to most of America, it turns the mirror back on ourselves.

Potential Backlash

The Tea Party won’t be happy about this one, but most of them probably won’t understand anyways.

Will Be Known For

A fun game during a timeout would be to have the Uneducated Fat Slob White Guy mascot come out onto the field and stumble around drunk, yelling nonsensically about how minorities are ruining the country.

 

Mascot #10

THE RAY ROMANOS - I have it on good authority that everybody loves Raymond. If that really is true (and why would it not be?), Ray could be a great, inoffensive mascot that the whole country would appreciate.

Potential Backlash

Literally none.

Will Be Known For

Ray could come out and do some family-friendly stand-up during halftime.

 

Mascot #11

EURO-TRASH EDM DJ’S - Like vampires, EDM is super hot these days. It may be slowly destroying music, but hey, kids like it! A team with a Euro-trash EDM DJ mascot could really show how hip and “with it” the team is these days.

Potential Backlash

Music purists and people with fully-functioning ears might have a bit of a problem with EDM further ingratiating itself into American pop culture.

Will Be Known For

The DJ could spin tunes during each timeout! This would be great for concession sales as well, as older fans will flee their seats to escape the insufferable music.

Screen Shot 2014-05-08 at 4.42.54 PM

As I’m sure you noted, the mascot options for both teams to choose from are as varied as they are amazing. One thing that they do have in common, is that they’re fun for the whole family! Your son or daughter can sport their Washington Toast or Cleveland Ray Romanos hat to the ball park guilt free! And when sports brings us together rather than tearing us apart, we ALL win! God bless America.

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